I wish I could tell you that your Mother’s Day will be a story book day with lots of gratitude and happy moments…… however we have to remember that we are attempting to raise children that have been physically and emotionally harmed by their mom’s. And even though they see us physically they still live with hurt and heartache when they hear “Mom/Mother”.
I have learned over the years that Mother’s and Father’s Day are full of heartache and challenges, however if I walk into this day knowing that the behaviors we see are not meant for me personally I can almost make it! Occasionally they are meant for me when the child sees me as the one that has taken him/her from their mom and oh that is a whole nother post!
This year was a little different! Our newest placement was eager to give flowers from our amazing church family and as usual was very “cuddly” with panic when I was out of her sight.
Good right, in away it is overwhelming because she was so needy. But I think the hardest ones to handle is the last three we adopted. It has been 6 months since we adopted them and they still call us Misty and Ray. Yesterday was very hard for them. They were very withdrawn and asked a few times about how their mom is doing. They know in their brains she was not able to care for them, however in their hearts they are struggling because they always took care of her. Yeah you read that right! They cared for their mom not the other way around!
How do we make connections with them when they are still stuck in those old relationships emotionally?
Well it isn’t very easy, especially if we have our hearts set on the perfect Mother’s Day. On these days we need to put on our trauma support hat and help them to survive when they are being overwhelmed with emotions and past hurts. I know my husband worked to make the day a better day, however there is only so much he can do. My biological children bought me yellow roses which are more than special to me! The day wasn’t a total disaster, but it sure wasn’t Hallmark quality!
Yesterday we walked the gammit of clingy, withdrawn, absolutely angry with nothing helping to refocus their emotions, and lashing out at anyone that gets close! We continued to text each other about not taking on the kids issues or behaviors because boy is it challenging in the moment. We often whisper to each other “not my monkey, not my circus” which is really an indering statement.
I guess overall it was a day that meet the bare requirements of everyone clothed, no one dieing, and working through some emotions. What more can I ask for?
Oh wait there is one thing …… chocolate!