I know I haven’t posted much lately, however I have personally been drowning in the foster/adoption realm!
I truly feel like a hypocrite for even writing this down as I feel as though the behaviors, hearts, and entitlement of our kiddos is swallowing me as though I am stuck in quicksand!
We spend every moment of our lives on supporting, building up, and protecting our children that have already endured more than any one human being should encounter let alone a child! HOWEVER, what have I done to deserve all this heartache, anxiety, hatred, and frustration.
I have worked very hard to follow God, no matter how hard it is, and to be an example for them through my responses to their issues or behaviors. I lost it last night sobbing and ranting about how ungrateful, uncaring, and unaware they are of their choices and their affects on those around them.
I know this is about the LEAST therapeutic, loving, and caring act I have made in years, however I could not take any more. I feel as though I am living in an abusive relationship that would warrant anonymous removal for safety reasons if it was a boyfriend or husband, however because it is my children that once again “you chose this life when you decided to adopt them” there is no way out!
How or why are we expected to live like prisoners or as Ray puts it jail wardens for our children to keep them safe, to keep their routines in place allowing them to feel in control, and continually repeating expectations or using roleplaying to allow them to learn. Who ever made the statement “repeating the same thing over and over expecting different outcomes” has never had a traumatized child who receives therapies that state “stay the course”. We have stayed the course so long that we have paced ourselves into a ravine that no one can escape!
I have spent the last 5 months thinking that there has to be more to this life, journey, calling, than to continue to live in this abusive relationship in which there is literally no way out! And to top it off I have had the nerve to write post telling others about this life and working to laugh it off, praying it would encourage someone who is pacing in their own ravine.
As I sat on the freezing garage floor sobbing after storming out of the house I cried out to God asking why? Why are we working so hard to follow him when it feels as though you are just one of their expendable pieces that no matter what I do I will never make up or repair the hurt and trauma they have experienced resulting in an inability to be grateful for anything. I pleaded with God to show me why we are to continue giving of ourselves, to children that their only thought if we suddenly died would be great who is going to feed me now!
In my logical brain, I know that we have made an impact. However, in my emotional brain I feel as though no one care, not these children, not the therapist that work with us, not our licensing agency, not the caseworks, none of them. NOT A SINGLE ONE!
How do we continue to do this work when we are stuck in unhealthy relationships?
Then it hit me! Who really loves their JOB! There are thousands of memes out there in which people complain about their jobs, there coworkers and their dreams of walking away. Here I am loosing my mind over this same point!
NEWS FLASH***** I am human******!!!!!!!
I have made the choice to continue to do my job and to continue to work for them, however I have also made the decision to make myself a priority! Not sure what that looks like. However, I have to learn what that looks like! My job is not done. Although, if I could turn in my notice I would and then climb under my rock until forever. I know this is still my job and I still have to work.