So that is the title of my life!! No matter what relationship, no matter the situation, and no matter the task ……. I am 100% inadequate!
This is beyond hard to live with. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, it is never enough!! So where does that leave me….tired, frustrated, heartbroken, anxious, annoyed, grouchy, angry, and I guess lashing out!!
I know I can’t do this alone! I know I need my saviors support to do this, but truthfully I feel alone! And so isolated that my isolated is unable to be found. Does that even make sense?
So what do you do when your family is sending you away because you are so negative, short fussed, and just angry?
I hit my knees! I grovel, I go through my entire grieving cycle, (just like one of the kids) and then I cry. How did I end up here again?? I often ask myself why I am doing this over and over again…..
The answer is not one I like. It is not one that I want to brag about. In fact, it is that I get to the point that I do try to do this alone! I loose sight of my savior and I spend 100% of my energy spinning my wheels. I try to fix the unfixable, I work oh so hard to undo the trauma that I didn’t cause, and I forget who called me to this life!!
I forget that my savior is here with me and that he is providing for not just me, but each and every one of my children in ways that no one on Earth can. We manage to meet every need, not every want or desire, but every need. So often that has nothing to do with money or items, but it is completely about love, time, and energy!
My world starts to crumble when I try to do it all! I don’t let my husband be a part of my team, but instead I force him to be a spectator. I deny my older children the opportunity to make a difference in our little ones lives because mom can do it. My expectations of our therapist become so unobtainable that I begin to loose confidence in their ability to make an impact when it is really me that is unable to impact my kids because I have put so many plates spinning that no one can keep up ……except God.
I am living proof each and every day that God will give you more than you can handle! God will put more on with each step away I take, until I crumble at his feet. God just wants me to keep my focus on Him! And when I wander he works to bring me back!
That is grace!! That is unfailingly love! That is the kind of love that I beg to be able to show my kids even though they crush my heart several times a day. I want them to know that I am here for them no matter what! That yeah I may be upset with their choices, but I am still here!