So we are 4 days after mom’s little meltdown and where are we now……right back at the beginning!! We have the explosive disorder child once again screaming that he hates his life and wants to kill himself until someone new asks him why and he answers “oh I don’t want to hurt myself!”, we have one of our PTSD kid’s growling and hissing like a cat, and our sociopath stands back watching for his next victim or opportunity to escalate the house.
In other words life goes on! Yep that sums it up perfectly! The meltdowns continue, the heightened observation of those in the home continues, the abundantly clear mark of trauma is everywhere we look. As I step over the ear muffs, the weight head cushion, and very soft sensory blanket I am reminded that yes I can have my emotions build up to the point of exploding, yes I can become frustrated or overwhelmed, and yes I am human!!
So where do we go from here???? Well I can tell you my cycle of, “I am a horrible adoptive mother to these traumatized children”, response which is to seek answers!
You read that right! Now I spend every spare moment seeking out new skills, seeking out new forms of treatment, and looking for emotional support from my close network! I have turned to God and He has taken the overwhelmed feeling away, He has shown me grace for the 5 millionth time and now I am seeking his will in our lives by doing my part to improve our situation!!
I don’t know exactly what it is that I am trying to find, well yeah I do…..Where is Hermione and her never ending knowledge of how to fix things with her swish and flick of a wand???? Really this is what I am seeking. However, I know in my heart of hearts, that God has not given anyone the power to wisk away my worries, heartache, and sometimes pain as I work with these kids that deserve SSOO much more than they have been given.
I know that my Voldemort comes in several intangible forms, with the biggest one being trauma!! Yeah that means I live with the trauma of having to hold my children as they flail like I am killing them, cower like I have beaten them before, and screaming as though I am ripping their flesh off! Yeah it is traumatic, for me mostly! The child is exhibiting his or her ingrained defense mechanisms, but for those of us that have opened our hearts and homes to these kids it is traumatic!
The difference is that we know how to handle our trauma in a healthy way! We know that the child is not behaving this way because of our actions, but when they feel the emotions of embarrassment, frustration, anxiety, they go back to what they know. They become consumed with these feelings and their fight or flight response is telling them they are in danger.
This is the tricky part…..if a stranger is going after my child I want them to behave this way!!! I want them to kick and scream and flail and what ever it takes to draw attention to get them help!! Right?? Well how do we help them to learn that it is not okay to behave this way with mom and dad when their emotions are the exact same!!!!
This is where we have worked to bring God into their lives in a very tangible way! Sounds weird I know, but God is in control and He is directing our lives! God has protected them to this point and brought them to our lives to be a part of their world to protect them, to love them through the meltdowns, and to help them to make new neuropathways. We have to remain calm and loving even through the trauma!!
This is only an achievable goal with God’s provision! I will not be able to reach this goal on my own strength! I do not have all this strength and understanding to be able to help this kids. I have to work through their trauma and healing!!
This is very challenging and makes a huge impact on me. I look at life from a different angle than most. I see all the hurt, anxiety, and pressure that most have experienced. I see the automatic response! I see the emotional side of life. I see the frustration of not being able to control it all! Maybe that is the real issue!! I am not in control, God is!!