Stuff!!! STUFF!!! Everywhere I look!!!

The last couple of months have just been rough in so many ways!! I miss the people that we were able to be around. I miss the kids being able to go off to school and be around other kids. Most of all, I miss Misty and I being able to go do metal work, work on our hobbies, work out of the house, or even go on a lunch date. However, the most maddening to me, since the kids are home 99.9% of the time, is there stuff everywhere!!

It doesn’t help that when a couple of our kids came to us as a foster placements, they had so much stuff from people feeling sorry for them, that a moving van would have been a better way for their stuff to arrive (I’m being dramatic of course). I feel like we have tried so many ways to try to get a handle on everything, but nothing seems to work.

I have read books, I have read blog posts, I have scoured the internet, but nothing seems to phase the youngest 3 in my house. As I go about my daily business, my OCD goes crazy!! Socks here, Lego’s there, books, crayons, and shoes seem to be everywhere. Negative consequences, special time, privileges, a new toy or book, working with them, a labeled place for their items. Nothing is worth their effort!

I keep searching and hoping that one day I will find something that clicks, or that they will mature to a point where things will change. For now though, I will combat my OCD with reminding myself that if God saw me for what I really am, rather that the redeeming saving blood of Christ. I would try his patience.

COMPLETELY INADEQUATE

So that is the title of my life!! No matter what relationship, no matter the situation, and no matter the task ……. I am 100% inadequate!

This is beyond hard to live with. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, it is never enough!! So where does that leave me….tired, frustrated, heartbroken, anxious, annoyed, grouchy, angry, and I guess lashing out!!

I know I can’t do this alone! I know I need my saviors support to do this, but truthfully I feel alone! And so isolated that my isolated is unable to be found. Does that even make sense?

So what do you do when your family is sending you away because you are so negative, short fussed, and just angry?

I hit my knees! I grovel, I go through my entire grieving cycle, (just like one of the kids) and then I cry. How did I end up here again?? I often ask myself why I am doing this over and over again…..

The answer is not one I like. It is not one that I want to brag about. In fact, it is that I get to the point that I do try to do this alone! I loose sight of my savior and I spend 100% of my energy spinning my wheels. I try to fix the unfixable, I work oh so hard to undo the trauma that I didn’t cause, and I forget who called me to this life!!

I forget that my savior is here with me and that he is providing for not just me, but each and every one of my children in ways that no one on Earth can. We manage to meet every need, not every want or desire, but every need. So often that has nothing to do with money or items, but it is completely about love, time, and energy!

My world starts to crumble when I try to do it all! I don’t let my husband be a part of my team, but instead I force him to be a spectator. I deny my older children the opportunity to make a difference in our little ones lives because mom can do it. My expectations of our therapist become so unobtainable that I begin to loose confidence in their ability to make an impact when it is really me that is unable to impact my kids because I have put so many plates spinning that no one can keep up ……except God.

I am living proof each and every day that God will give you more than you can handle! God will put more on with each step away I take, until I crumble at his feet. God just wants me to keep my focus on Him! And when I wander he works to bring me back!

That is grace!! That is unfailingly love! That is the kind of love that I beg to be able to show my kids even though they crush my heart several times a day. I want them to know that I am here for them no matter what! That yeah I may be upset with their choices, but I am still here!

“Your so amazing!” …. if you only knew!

When I hear people praising me and our family for fostering I instantly begin thinking….if you only knew the daily thoughts, and pleaing for God to end this heartache and frustration! What would they think then?

Yeah, to those not in the trenches we look like we have it all together, but they aren’t in the battle field of toothbrushing😩, picking up your dirty underwear that don’t belong on the dinner table🤯, and the no we don’t steal sugar by the handfuls from the pantry😡 battle fields! Would they still be saying the same praises?

We recently had a friend refer to us as super heroes and I instantly envisioned my cape as a trail of paper scraps, with my mask of dirty underwear, and an oversized toothbrush as my wand! Isn’t that a vision!

The only thing we excelled at was taking the first step! It is very scary, but we didn’t do it alone! We had each other!!

One of the most frequent responses we hear from others that are talking with us about fostering is they don’t want it to affect their kids! They are not alone in this worry! It is often scary to think of all the craziness we have put our kids through, but …… you know what?????? My kids can handle almost anything!! Our kids can use their past experiences to handle anything that God sends their way! And the best part is that I know they can handle it. That’s right! I don’t have to worry about them constantly because they can relate to so much more than even most adults can.

My children have learned to be so compassionate, but able to see the line between helping and being abused by others. They know that line between helping and enabling. (I don’t even know if I have that line down yet!) And guess what? My kids are willing to step up and make a difference in the lives of those that are at a point in which they are willing to change. My kids know what it’s like to be at the bottom of the pit, how hard it is to get out of the pit, and how amazing it is to be there to help others! Isn’t that what we all want for kids!

So take that first step people!! Get out there and make a difference not only in the lives of foster children, but in your own children’s lives as well!

Besides, …… I can’t be the only person feeling this way!! Join me in the chaos and love that fostering and adoption can bring!